| love you more than I have ever
found a way to say to you
i saw a woman today, walking with an umbrella in the rain, and she was walking down the edge of the street, mind you two feet away was a sidewalk. she found it necessary to walk down the actual road, a foot from the curb. . . ??
are you my friend? are you someone i love? i don't think i would know if i felt it. all i know is im not infatuated with you. you've impacted my life in such a way, and its not even who you truly are. at all. and i know that now. and i still love you the most. and not like "that". and i know im always going to be second best, even if im all you've got. i hate hope, and im sick of holding on but i don't have a choice i guess. i don't need you. but i need you- because the want for you is so great. i don't know what i would do without you. and i know you know that. but i want you to know too, that i don't depend on you. i could walk away if i wanted to. but i don't think i ever will. in fact, theres just so much that i don't think i could even unintentionally hurt you, my subconscious would stop me like a brick wall when im going 90. brian said thats how i talk, i accelerate and immediately hit a brick wall. . .maybe he was giving me advice, run my car off the road because its so hard to find the good in the cold weather. i don't know if you are in my past, or in my future, or if you aren't mine at all to have anywhere. i certainly hope you know where you fall. i don't want you in control but if it gives us some kind of direction maybe it isn't that bad. i am trying to not over analyze our relationship, but both of us know analyzation is something i am supposed to do. its just, i shouldn't try to put you in a box and category of m ylife, i should let us exist as our separate entities and let us intermingle as we do, but i can't. i love your company so i can't really put you in a category, because i don't like how definitive that makes you. i just wish you were more real. something tangible. i need someone tangible. you are like this omnipresent being in my life, and thats not what i want. i want you to, just - exist with me. i know im not the one you love, theres always been someone else, and don't say its the distance, or that im not ready. its bullshit. you know im just second hand best. and you know ill take that. you know i will accept it because its what i can get. and that kills me. infact it makes me want to die. because its just, a bad situation. everything you hate or adore...i love to hate you and hate to love you. its ridiculous. i am not weak, and im certainly not one of those girls. but maybe i am? maybe i will take second best because im weak and thats what you will give me. i don't love you, i mean im not in love with you and i don't know if i ever could be again. but i wish you loved me, and hope that i could love you back just the same. eventhough i really am unsure if that could happen. i mean i know you dont love me like that, even if you try and be shady, just to leave that little bit of hope that something could happen - but it just won't. i don't want to shut it out - the idea of it that is, its nice to think about and dream for and for us to joke about, but it wouldn't happen. and if it did, i'd be sloppy seconds. i just wish i could find someone where, as you put it, i am their gold. not their silver, or their bronze, or their pink ribbon(thats 6th place). but i still hope for you a bit .. and i don't want to hope. i don't want anything, i just need it to be something.
side note: im mad at all my friends. ya'll suck my imaginary left testicle.
today i rocked out hardcore to fall out boy in my car, on repeat. being angry. weeeeeeee! i feel really - void of emotion, and thoughts, and a brain lately like my IQ has been lowered. maybe thats what it feels like to be happy? or actually, indifferent. im going through the motions and that scares me, but i guess its really kind of nice for a change. i just have no life right now. i go out, i mean, i don't lay in bed 24/7 but im just - i don't think as much. i have become a complete ditz. completely vapid. everything i hate - wow. well its a kind of nice feeling, ignorance is bliss if you will. i also feel though, that i have grown a lot. i know its cliche and all. its just, i feel like i've grown up so much from who i used to be. im still the same but i've come so far that i don't even associate myself with that person. i know you say you can learn from your mistakes, and stuff, and thats how i would put it, but thats not it at all. its like, my brain isn't even thinking the same. its like i had a lobotomy, only its not that bad. its just- i function on a different level. its, weird. and scary. and im scared to grow up more than this. and im scared to stay this vapid, even if it is a comfortable place to be. im scared for you to read this, and im scared for the future. and im scared i won't have a future. and im scared that im not thinking about it. . .im just -- i don't like to associate with the past, i don't have a present, and i don't like the think about or bank on the future. thats how you get hit with things falling from the sky.
what the fuck is wrong with me? |
